Better or Bitterness!

 

Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

Yesterday, was a bad day for me and if you know June at all, you know the smiling June whose laughter fills a room! Few people ever see a different June, yet I have those times when something will finally take me to my knees!

Yesterday I learned what is to make the difference in my healing:  I learned to bless the thorns in my life. I began to see that the thorn and rose define one another. Since, one cannot exist without the other, we can only enjoy the rose when we embrace the thorn.

As a society, though, we make healing from loss very difficult. We unintentionally tell each other lies about suffering and the healing process. One of those lies is that “Time heals all wounds.” If time healed all wounds, why do so many people suffer their entire lives from things that happened decades ago?

It’s not “time” that heals all wounds. It’s hard work. And hard work takes time and commitment to being happy!

You have to Choose to Heal! When tragedy or loss comes to your life, you have just one decision to make that will determine the whole of your remaining life:

 

Will you be bitter or better?
Your future happiness depends on the choice you make. On the surface of it, this seems like a “no brainer” decision. I mean, why would you choose bitterness over joy?

Well, here’s one reason: When a child dies, your entire future dies—at least the future you envisioned for yourself. When you divorce or separate, your entire future dies-at least all the dreams and plans you had together as a couple!  When a job is lost - your entire futures dies - at least your self confidence and certainty for your future! When a friendship is dissolved - your entire future dies, at least all your BFF plans!  When we bury parents - our entire future dies - at least our security and loss of our biggest life fans! And on and on, and we believe our sorrow is the only tangible evidence of any of this.

The choice to get better means making the choice to move past your sorrow.

As strange as it sounds, the loss of your sorrow can feel like an additional death. Worse, it feels like the final death, because it feels like you are choosing to deny your child, your marriage, your friendships, your job, your parents existence. As it turns out, I was wrong about how I was handling things. Lots of other tangible evidence came from this person who keeps on choosing to hurt me!

Choosing to heal means letting go of the immediate reward of your suffering for the promise of your future!  

It is a risk that all who heal take, and it is not an easy choice to make while you are feeling you are in a hell hole! BUT GOD continues to urge me nonetheless.

Joy can be an individual experience. When you are joyful, I am happy for you. But I don’t necessarily feel enlightened by your happiness. When you let me see your sorrow, however, then I feel an affinity with you. It is our shared suffering—our thorns—that make empathy possible.  It is our thorns that make us protective of one another, yet I have never been good at sharing mine.  It is few who get to see that June! But I'm learning that thorns are the pathway to community and peace. And like I reach out to others, I need to embrace the many people in my life who continue to reach out to me!  They don't expect me to be perfect or without thorns in my life, THEY just want to share my life!

Suffering Brings Wisdom—If You Choose to Heal! 

 

It used to bother me that people complimented me for my “wisdom” or “courage”!  If I refuse to celebrate and share that hard-won wisdom, I essentially cut the rose from the thorn bush. I often share wisdom because it is a gift of grace. My Grace. The rose of my wisdom is made possible because of the thorns of my sorrows.  

Loss of my first born grandson, my daddy, suicides, sons addiction, fatal car accident, stage 3 colon cancer, husbands affair and loss of marriage and the list goes on!  These are the thorns, the sorrows, yet I have been blessed with the Grace of God!  I'm a survivor!

Once the “worst thing” that can ever happen to you in life actually happens—once you decide to get better instead of bitter—then you get to live the entire rest of your life without being paralyzed by fear. After all what is left to fear?

But what if the worst thing hasn’t happened to me yet? Can I still live a life less controlled by fear? Absolutely I CAN and I WILL!

I choose to remember that suffering makes community possible. That means that you can “borrow” my suffering and use it as a tool to heal your fears.

Whatever that worst thing is, I can assure you that some human being in the history of the planet has survived that thing. And triumphed! All you have to do to be break free from fear is determine that, if your “worst thing” ever happened, you would make a study of how others have triumphed over that thing. Once you make that decision, you have a “worst case scenario” action plan in place. 

If you decide! To get better, Instead of bitter.

The tools of choice, celebration, community, and reaching out to others are ways that I have learned to become a better person! 

The thorn of my losses and sorrows, my mistakes or wanting to lash out have now become my rose! Each petal is a representation of all parts of me, not just the sorrows but the triumphs and the victories!  My rose represents “all healing is possible,” for myself and others.

I can only feel sorry for ones in my life who have chosen to be victims and let their lives be represented by thorns because they choose bitterness over better!  I have learned I can't change them.  God says love them and forgive them!  I'm not there yet, but I AM in a place where I no longer am going to give them continued power over my heart and hurting me!

This morning on my knees before GOD, I let go of the thorn and added another petal to my Rose!  I made the choice to GET BETTER not BITTER!

 Thank you God my Father for loving me unconditionally and sending your beloved son, so I may have the gift of "GRACE".

Junann Smith Amaral