Embracing "NO"

One syllable. Two tiny letters. Yet there are some people who would rather DO ANYTHING than VOICE that sound. Even for people who can say “NO,” it doesn’t always come easily.

Our culture has given us ways that help us avoid having to utter that dreaded word. We have invented ways of suggesting that we might want to decline without having to look anyone in the eye and say “NO.” If you stand back and watch it happen, you’ll be amazed at the number of socially acceptable, watered-down alternatives there are for that simple, one-syllable word.  It’s as if we think speaking those two letters is going to kill us!  I wonder if that makes me a “no-o-phobic.” (Tee hee)

We all have friends who have a difficult time with NO! An example? I ask a friend to go to a social event that is important to me  I make the invite, no response! I offer the invitation the next time via text message or email, still no response! A third invitation, Again, nothing. I get it - "you've already answered my question through a passive "NO"!
It just means you can't look me in the eye and say “NO.” It really doesn’t matter whether you’re face to face, talking to them on the phone, texting or emailing them—they are far more comfortable having your request die of old age than actually refusing it. They’ll leave it for you to figure out.   “Just Say No.” But this is where you need to remind yourself that what’s terrifying for one person can be a walk in the park for somebody else.

Do I agree with this way to say "NO"? But it's true, I am not a passive person.  I think social honesty is more important, even if the expression of that honesty may lead to a few awkward moments. The easy way out is rarely the best way, and it is rarely something to be proud of. I’d go even further: When it becomes habitual, it is something to be ashamed of.

Few of us seek conflict, but it is hard to imagine a life without it. I disrespect the person who chose not to say “NO” when the invite came. You've avoided ruffling feathers at  what cost? Personal integrity? Cowardice? Disrespect? Do those sound like admirable qualities? Sometimes “NO” is the most honorable and respectful thing you can say to someone.
Nope! Unh unh. Naw. No. No!  Since I was just asked recently asked, "Did I know how to say NO, I want to embrace the beauty of NO.

It’s time to say NO for me!  As women, we’re taught to say yes: Yes to helping people. Yes to being the caretaker. Yes to juggling dinner and our kids’ bath time, homework, laundry and dishes. YES YES YES.

But damn, that is tiring. Saying YES to everything wipes me out. And I've got limited energy left for the important things or people in me life! So it’s time to say NO.

Clear  MY calendar. 

My calendar is filled with engagements I'm only half-interested in, but I said YES to because I didn’t want to appear anti-social, or hurt someone’s feelings. It’s time to clear those calendar events, Cancel them. Cross them out. I need to realize I don’t have time to spend on things that aren’t really good for me, b) really fun or c) really necessary. I invite myself to say NO to everything else.
Am I doing too much? It’s time to delegate. Maybe I need to have a heart-to-heart with people about sharing the responsibility. Maybe I need to find space in my budget so I can hire a yard man every couple weeks. I need to say NO to things I just can’t do, start asking for more help, and delegate. Maybe my result would be more energy, more time, and more time to focus on people and relationships.
“I know you’re really busy, but can you spare a few hours to volunteer at our art fair this weekend?” “I’m moving next month, can you help me pack?” “I’m cleaning out my closet, want to come over and help? You can have anything I don’t want anymore…”

Don’t do it, June! I feel like I should say yes. But  NO. My energy is precious, and I need to use it wisely. So often, I say yes to things that really aren’t good for me, out of fear the person making the request will feel hurt. They’re my friends, or my family members, and I don’t want to “let them down.” Well, tough. If they get their feelings hurt because I asserted my needs, that’s their problem, not mine.

The people who love me, who like me, who respect me, will get it when I say NO. I don’t owe them an explanation, but providing why might help ease the NO.

This will be a learning curve for me!  I was told I need a manager - that statement made me laugh, but probably isn't far from the truth. I'm a pleaser,  but I have to try and learn to Embrace the beauty of saying NO and see how that simple word, can change my life!

Overwhelming Stress

My daughter's whose heart is broken, the young man next door who feels empty and hollow despite having the life he once dreamed of, the middle-aged friend whose life hasn’t met her expectation, the daughters who buried the mother who took her life, the little girl who cradles her family dog in her lap after being hit by a car, the devastation of divorce and picking up the empty pieces, the betrayal of infidelity by someone you trusted, the money thrown after one repair after another, The constant hours worked to never get ahead, the countless hours of giving and no one notices YOU and the words C A N C E R you thought could only happen to someone else!

I'm a caring friend; one who takes on the pain of the people in her life. All their emotions, and those of others, stay with me in one way or another until I finally break and I have to replenish myself and let them go. Being an emotionally sensitive person , I need time to recoup. It is crucial for me to live a contented life. It’s the first chapter in my owner’s manual for myself.  Most of the time, I can't tell you what I need to gain control until the very moment it is happening to me.

I start to unravel, a little at a time at first, then it takes hold of every part of my being and devours me! It's that Overwhelming Stress, I fight for control over!  For the past two weeks, I have been unusually stressed. Lack of sleep, sadness and grieving add up to emotional vulnerability–every feeling I had is magnified by being worn down. It began Saturday night when I wanted to hide, tell people to leave me alone and shut down emotionally to stop the pain.  I imagined holding a sign with Leave Me Alone written in large letters across the front and back. I wished I could be invisible. Even small, ordinary events like a text message became irritating.  I pushed down my screams, though they still echoed loudly in my mind, and worried about losing control.  But in true June form, I found a small window of balance and got thru my commitments on Saturday!


Again in true June form, I judged myself as weak for not being able to get past the hurt, the overwhelming emotion and felt lazy for not being as productive as I could be in the one hour or so I had on Sunday! I needed to be hard on myself–how else would I pick myself up and get thru the next couple of non-stop weeks. But judgments add to emotional pain, just like going over and over the negative experience. When you think about a negative experience over and over you experience it many times instead of just once. I dove deeper into a black hole.

I realized I used helping others as a way of  avoiding my own feelings. I’d pushed down too many feelings and now my numbing wasn’t working. Most people have a point where they want to shut down emotionally and numb themselves. Emotionally sensitive people reach that point sooner, with less provocation, and stay overwhelmed longer than people who are not emotionally sensitive. Sometimes emotionally sensitive people attempt to stay numb most of the time in order to avoid the intensity of their feelings. I know I do it,  understandable but not helpful in the long run. Numbing means feeling tired from fighting the feelings, feeling anxious,  plus experiencing long-term effects of stress. In addition, I will reach a point where numbing doesn’t work.

Numbing is not just about using drugs or alcohol. Some people numb through withdrawing, shopping, staying busy, sleeping, talking constantly or helping others. Many people stay half-present by using multiple activities to avoid being present or experiencing their feelings. When the numbness starts to wear off, I feel anxious and uncomfortable.  The feelings are too strong.

Knowing ways to comfort myself when in emotional pain is helpful. Many people reach out to others for comfort. For others, being with people at those times is too difficult. I am the one who pulls away!  I snap and push away!  I don't want people to see the sad June and few have.  But you can rest assured if you do see that side and I do reach out to you, I'm in emotional trouble and experiencing the pain at my worst!
I try and Stay mindful.  It’s a lot easier to be mindful of a beautiful beach or sunset than to be mindful of intense grief and loss. But noticing and feeling grief is part of emotional health. To not be mindful and experience painful feelings means the feelings could affect your health and may come out in destructive ways.

Take a break. Finding ways to comfort yourself and still feel the difficult emotions means the emotions can pass more quickly. Facing emotions is different than soaking in them until they drain you dry. Once I've acknowledged and expressed my feelings, I know its not helpful to go over and over the same thing in my head. That reignites the emotions. 
Isolating or hiding is not healthy, but taking a short break to recoup my energy could be productive. The difference I think, at least for me, is that taking a brief break is purposeful and time-limited, and is not about avoidance.

Sometimes emotionally sensitive people become reactive to their own emotions. Feeling any painful emotion scares me, because I have years of experience with the difficulty of managing intense emotions. Accepting loss as a normal part of life that everyone experiences at some point is part of not fighting against reality. Grieving and feeling hurt and disappointment are part of being human.

I am on Day #3 of feeling overwhelmed, tearful and out of control!  I try and change the story I am telling myself.  If I look at the emotionally difficult situations I have experienced, sometimes I find a common pattern. People often have hot buttons, me included, and it can create a lens through which I see the world. Sometimes I see myself as responsible for circumstances that truly are not in my control or I tend to give too much power to others. I have to challenge myself to see the situation in a different way.  I look for meaning in the experience or a lesson learned. I have to look for the parts of the experiences that were in my control and what I could have done differently.

I am not weak for grieving. I am not weak because I felt disappointment!  I am not weak because I couldn't change you!  I am not weak because  I can't be everything to everybody! I am not weak because I need to say the word NO! I am not weak because I want you to know I love you! I am not weak because I hurt and cry! I am not weak because I asked for your help or needed a hug!

I AM just human, I AM just one person trying to make the world a better place, I AM just a woman who has a PASSION for LOVE and LIFE!

From my heart to yours, I walk with a heavy heart again today!

Giver or Taker

Recently I have became aware of certain roles I play and things June does. I use to talk about this to my ex-husband all the time, because relationship was never a strength of his and yet it is a strong suit of mine.  But like anyone else, our daily lives get busy and I get lax on nurturing a friendship, building a relationship or reaching out to others because I need them! 

My definition of a friend is someone who cherishes the special moments and memories of
life with another person. A friend is a trustworthy companion.

Friendship is a relationship which takes time to build. There are many steps and stages to achieving a true friendship. A friendship for me is like planting a garden. It represents, devotion and time. It takes patience to grow a garden; first the seed is planted. The seed builds the foundation of a strong and stable plant. It has to be taken care of and watered daily.

Building a friendship is similar . One meets a person and plants the seed of friendship. The friendship builds and continues to grow stronger. It requires devotion of time and patience to achieve peak communication between the two companions. The struggle to keep a solid friendship includes many obstacles and hardships. But compromising, devotion,
willingness and the gift of time to endure is bound to payoff in the end.

I love this quote "It takes a long time to grow an old friendship". Friendship has its good and bad times. I hate when friendships just don't work and are destroyed by a silly disagreement or misunderstanding. Friends have the patience to deal with such
frustrations. The willingness and determination to get the relationship working again has to be a dual effort.  But along the way, I have learned there is always the Giver and the Taker as unfortunate as that may be! One person is always more willing to Compromise to rebuild the friendship!

That one person is me.   I am most often the first one to text, send a card, write a note, leave something at your front door, invite you for a glass of wine or a weekend away! If I sat back and waited for some people in life to initiate spending time together, we would never see each other!  Yet when I pick up the phone and call them, they are excited, say Yes and off we go to enjoy a wonderful time together.  It's just my role and I accept it!  Admittedly, yes it would be nice to be able to sit back and let someone else make the plans when all I had to say was YES!  Nice YES, but will I sit around and wait for that?  In most cases NO!  I don't sit around and wait - I LIVE LIFE!

More often than not, your friendship is important to me.  IT wouldn't be a friendship if there wasn't some sort of connection.  I have found myself pulling away recently from friendships which is for me, not the normal!  I think its because I find making friends easy. So sometimes when it's not, my reaction is to pull away and tell myself I have a full life with so many wonderful people it in, there's no time to waste on building these new friendships which is seemingly going to take some effort!

Believe me, I have my moments.  When life gets demanding, my friendships are the first to suffer.  But the good part of strong relationship is, the people in my life know who June is and they know the seasons of my life!  I have a girlfriend who says every year when we hit November, "There goes my friend for the next 4 months!  I'll see her again after the pageant!"  And although she's teasing, she's not far from the truth!  But you see it's those friends close to you, who know your passions that understand, learn about them, and embrace you for having one!  She's like so many other people in my life that "get it" and in the next 4 months she will call and ask me how pageant season is going.  Why?  Because she cares about whats important to me, the same way I feel about her!

I have relationships that go back to nursery school age.  We share bonds that can never be broken.  I left town and raised a family away from the valley for 25 years and when I came home, those relationships began like time had stopped still!  Now I travel back the other way and those friendships remain strong in my life.

Recently a very special person said to me, "It's not how often we get together, it's that we do get together and pick up right where we left off"!  How true that was and what a wonderful 2 hours we spend together!


I have a full life and am so blessed for all the wonderful people who fill it!  I know I should pick up the phone more, but my pageant daughters taught me to text and I have to admit it's easier when you are spread so thin!  I vow to get better my friends!

As for new relationships, yes I have stepped in and then stepped out, stepped in and stepped out!  I've given myself excuses for letting the friendship die, but then stepped back in to save it.  I think I step back in and put myself out there to build on a friendship, because I might miss something or someone important.  If God placed someone in my path, then don't I owe that person the gift of time and the chance to get to know them?

Part of that push and pull, step in and step out, yes and no tug of war comes from just getting tired of always being the one to take charge, so the push back on my part is stepping back and waiting to see if this friendship is worth having? Does the other person want this friendship to grow?  Friendships take time and I guess the question is DO I have time?  Is it worth my time?  And I'm going to be selfish and take a different spin on relationship!  Are you going to give the TIME to make it worth my time? Because if that is truly a yes, those that know me well, know that You can expect 120%

LIVE in the NOW!

I have been said to “Live in the Now!” Referring to most of the time irresponsibility in making decisions that don’t always pan out for the best. A sense of spontaneity whereas I’m almost a little too spontaneous. A problem that persists in not fulling thinking things through and processing the outcome or consequence. I’m also a bit more of a dreamer that spends a lot of time in the future and what can and should be. These attributes as most people who recover from any addiction can agree most of their lives are spent in the here and now without any thought to what lies ahead. After reading this morning I realize that God wants us to live in the here and now, but, in a completely different way than I am used to. He calls us to trust him enough that we allow things to happen without emerging into the abyss of self-control and lost predictions. He wants us to live brightly in the light of his love that never dims or fades. So many of us are guilty of “future tripping” we blind ourselves and prevent the actuality of the Now when it actually becomes the Now! As a constant projection into the future role playing in our minds what we do or say. Maybe before a prayer, a meeting, an interview, a big game, we tend to “allow ourselves to prepare” yet all we are really doing is seeking self- sufficiency, we are lighting our own way with a light that constantly is being blown out. We use match after match or flick after flick to relight our candle that never really holds a steady flicker of light wondering how others never have to pull out a matchbook or lighter. Although only a slight minuscule sin that consistently goes unnoticed, it is yet again ourselves who block the blessings from above. The secret is to put our candle on the shelf and only use the bright spotlight of God. The light that constantly burn s inside all of use. Stop future tripping, stop pretending to know everything when we should really only proclaim to know ONE THING! That thing, is the faithfulness of God. God wants us to LIVE IN THE NOW, fully depending on him for every step we take. He is truly faithful to us; we must have true faith in him. Get rid of the feelings of inadequacy and self-sufficiency, rejoice in the abundance of love God has for you.  Step down from the horse and open your eyes to the truth. I’ll start, “My competence is nothing without my trust and faith in you lord.” We are human built with shear incompetence when it comes to our actions, our words, our thoughts. We are built to bask in the light of God, to fully commit ourselves to him so he can shine brightly in and through us! That means ALL OF US! Our competence level is solely to be in the faith of our creator,  built TO HEAR THE VOICE OF GOD!. John 15:4 Jesus states, " Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. We have got to stop divvying up responsibility, believing we can handle this and I’ll need Gods help with that. “TRUST in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3: 5-6 (NIV). In the words of Brian Johnson and Bethel Music, " For we trust in our God, and through his unfailing love, WE WILL NOT BE SHAKEN..." So  I leave you with this, when you begin to future trip, STOP! Look up and ask God to guide your steps. Stop Worrying about it and let him consume your words and your actions. Yes! LIVE IN THE NOW, confident in God and his plan. Be DISCIPLINED and Competent that our God is for us! BE COURAGEOUS! Have the courage to set down your candle and pick up his spotlight, the one that shines brightly in you and never fades or shimmers! HUMBLY watch everything in your life transform, (trust me on this one, I see his faithfulness, love, mercy, and grace every second of every day.) STAND firm and be still, KNOW THAT HE IS GOD! Today I put down my candle, Will you put down yours?