I'm a caring friend; one who takes on the pain of the people in her life. All their emotions, and those of others, stay with me in one way or another until I finally break and I have to replenish myself and let them go. Being an emotionally sensitive person , I need time to recoup. It is crucial for me to live a contented life. It’s the first chapter in my owner’s manual for myself. Most of the time, I can't tell you what I need to gain control until the very moment it is happening to me.
I start to unravel, a little at a time at first, then it takes hold of every part of my being and devours me! It's that Overwhelming Stress, I fight for control over! For the past two weeks, I have been unusually stressed. Lack of sleep, sadness and grieving add up to emotional vulnerability–every feeling I had is magnified by being worn down. It began Saturday night when I wanted to hide, tell people to leave me alone and shut down emotionally to stop the pain. I imagined holding a sign with Leave Me Alone written in large letters across the front and back. I wished I could be invisible. Even small, ordinary events like a text message became irritating. I pushed down my screams, though they still echoed loudly in my mind, and worried about losing control. But in true June form, I found a small window of balance and got thru my commitments on Saturday!
Again in true June form, I judged myself as weak for not being able to get past the hurt, the overwhelming emotion and felt lazy for not being as productive as I could be in the one hour or so I had on Sunday! I needed to be hard on myself–how else would I pick myself up and get thru the next couple of non-stop weeks. But judgments add to emotional pain, just like going over and over the negative experience. When you think about a negative experience over and over you experience it many times instead of just once. I dove deeper into a black hole.
I realized I used helping others as a way of avoiding my own feelings. I’d pushed down too many feelings and now my numbing wasn’t working. Most people have a point where they want to shut down emotionally and numb themselves. Emotionally sensitive people reach that point sooner, with less provocation, and stay overwhelmed longer than people who are not emotionally sensitive. Sometimes emotionally sensitive people attempt to stay numb most of the time in order to avoid the intensity of their feelings. I know I do it, understandable but not helpful in the long run. Numbing means feeling tired from fighting the feelings, feeling anxious, plus experiencing long-term effects of stress. In addition, I will reach a point where numbing doesn’t work.
Numbing is not just about using drugs or alcohol. Some people numb through withdrawing, shopping, staying busy, sleeping, talking constantly or helping others. Many people stay half-present by using multiple activities to avoid being present or experiencing their feelings. When the numbness starts to wear off, I feel anxious and uncomfortable. The feelings are too strong.
Knowing ways to comfort myself when in emotional pain is helpful. Many people reach out to others for comfort. For others, being with people at those times is too difficult. I am the one who pulls away! I snap and push away! I don't want people to see the sad June and few have. But you can rest assured if you do see that side and I do reach out to you, I'm in emotional trouble and experiencing the pain at my worst!
I try and Stay mindful. It’s a lot easier to be mindful of a beautiful beach or sunset than to be mindful of intense grief and loss. But noticing and feeling grief is part of emotional health. To not be mindful and experience painful feelings means the feelings could affect your health and may come out in destructive ways.
Take a break. Finding ways to comfort yourself and still feel the difficult emotions means the emotions can pass more quickly. Facing emotions is different than soaking in them until they drain you dry. Once I've acknowledged and expressed my feelings, I know its not helpful to go over and over the same thing in my head. That reignites the emotions.
Isolating or hiding is not healthy, but taking a short break to recoup my energy could be productive. The difference I think, at least for me, is that taking a brief break is purposeful and time-limited, and is not about avoidance.
Sometimes emotionally sensitive people become reactive to their own emotions. Feeling any painful emotion scares me, because I have years of experience with the difficulty of managing intense emotions. Accepting loss as a normal part of life that everyone experiences at some point is part of not fighting against reality. Grieving and feeling hurt and disappointment are part of being human.
I am on Day #3 of feeling overwhelmed, tearful and out of control! I try and change the story I am telling myself. If I
look at the emotionally difficult situations I have experienced, sometimes I find a common pattern. People often have hot buttons, me included, and it can
create a lens through which I see the world. Sometimes I see myself as responsible
for circumstances that truly are not in my control or I tend to give
too much power to others. I have to challenge myself to see the
situation in a different way. I look for meaning in the experience or a
lesson learned. I have to look for the parts of the experiences that were in my control and
what I could have done differently.I am not weak for grieving. I am not weak because I felt disappointment! I am not weak because I couldn't change you! I am not weak because I can't be everything to everybody! I am not weak because I need to say the word NO! I am not weak because I want you to know I love you! I am not weak because I hurt and cry! I am not weak because I asked for your help or needed a hug!
I AM just human, I AM just one person trying to make the world a better place, I AM just a woman who has a PASSION for LOVE and LIFE!
From my heart to yours, I walk with a heavy heart again today!
No comments:
Post a Comment