60 and Dating After Divorce

60  and Dating After Divorce

After some nice wine and great conversation last night, one of my BFF's decides to approach me on the subject of dating after divorce.  I think because we had some nice wine and in "Wine there is Truth".  That's how the saying goes and she joins the handful of people who know me well enough to have this conversation!

While most of the conversation was hysterical, I found myself at home later in the evening "thinking"!  I'll admit that I continued to "laugh" at the thought of actually dating at 60!  Heck, I never really dated since high school and even then my first love as a teenager lasted almost 4 years and the next person, I was with, I married and had a child with! So the dating scene as I grew older, never happened then either.  It's just not my deal to think of being out and about with one person one weekend and someone else another and I can't imagine that in all these years that has changed! But I listened to my friend and her advice as to the description of "whom" she things my perfect mate will be.

In true June form, I made light of most of it and described to her the 5 different men I know I don't want in my life:

1. Mr. Set-In-His-Ways. This is the 50+ something guy who has totally adjusted to living alone. Which is great and he's probably very happy. But he also wants to meet a woman, only he doesn't want to change his life or schedule one iota for her. This is the guy who will say something early on like, "I have tennis on Wednesday, squash on Thursday, I'm camping all weekend, I need to spend Monday and Tuesday writing my novel, I walk my dog from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. and I like to get to bed early. So can you meet for 20 minutes at 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday in three weeks? Oh, and can you come to my house?"

2. Mr. Commitmentphobe. Trust me, if he's gotten to 50+ without having ever been married (for more than a few days) or in a relationship over 5 years, he is never going to be in one. No, he just doesn't have bad luck. No, it's not that he hasn't met the right woman. That's what he tell you -- and he probably believes it. But there is no way that a guy goes decades of dating without finding one woman worth sticking with for a decent length of time unless he just doesn't want to. You can really only get away with this if you're George Clooney. (Tee Hee!)

3. Bitter Angry Dude. I don't know if it's that guys this age have seen a lot of relationship disappointment that has made them bitter and angry, or if their bitter/angry vibe is what makes women run from them to the point where they are still single at 50+, but these guys abound. You can tell them right off the bat though, because even on the first phone call they'll nastily correct you about weird stuff or start an argument about the most innocuous of topics. A conversation with them might go something like,  You: "So, how do you like your job?" Him: "My job? Why would you ask about that? I thought we were trying to get to know each other personally. I don't want to talk about my job!" Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would break into a run. (laughing at myself again, picturing this)

4. The Flake. This is the 50+ something man-child who still doesn't know how to make plans in advance and can't stick to any type of schedule. He's the guy who says he will call you Monday night and then doesn't. A week later, he emails you, "Hey, what are you up to?" You explain that he never called, so why is he asking? He apologizes and says he will call you that night. He doesn't. A week later, he emails again, saying, "Hey, want to meet up?" You explain that you still haven't spoken yet. He says -- well, you can guess. It goes on like this into infinity. (Ha Ha - I've raised 3 children, who wants another one!)

5. Kid Guy. This is the guy with kids. Not that there's anything wrong with a single dad, but this guy is REALLY with kids.  He asks if you can meet at 10 p.m. because he has to have dinner with his kids every night ... not even considering that you might like to meet earlier because you work in the morning. He uses his kids as an excuse not to get into a relationship. True story: One friend was dating this guy who kept using kid excuses not to see her. He had to do this for his daughter, that for his daughter. Finally my friend asked how old his daughter was, and the guy replied, "20"!


I think meeting someone is still about getting to know someone, taking the time to see if you connect spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. Communication remains key. From early on, I know I need to try and be intentional about showing real interest in the other person and get to know each another as transparently as possible.
Most of that age-old advice is as pertinent as ever: Be yourself, smile, keep an open mind, and be honest. Know yourself — be able to identify your strengths and weaknesses — and know what you’re looking for in a relationship.

Everything listed above considered, some things have changed. Online dating is now the norm, with people getting to know each other online — or at least screening each other — before that first date. Your career is significantly further along than it was decades ago; financial security must be a benefit. I know it’s important not to make assumptions in dating, especially in the areas of sexual expectations and roles.  I think the way we see things as we're older is different so how we see and talk about the future is important.  The future we once thought about is NOW. At this age we've planned for retirement. We have grown children and grandchildren. Aging and death aren’t as distant as they once were. The way we communicate about and focus on the future will dictate compatibility, at least for me!

Now she gives me the sex talk!  Sex matters, according to my friend!  "It did when you were young and it still does.  Know your boundaries and values before starting to date!  Now that we're older we feel more sexually liberated and confident than in days of our insecure, inexperienced youth. Talking about sex is no longer taboo; expect to have these conversations fairly early on in a new dating relationship. Note: With the greater prevalence of STDs today, even postmenopausal women should insist on protection during sexual activity." (Giggling again, thinking of getting the sex talk from my friend.  Really, I'm 60!  Still giggling!)

I have a past; who doesn’t? I know what time has taught me.  I'm asking myself what have I learned from past relationships? What do I need now? What can’t I stand?
I've taken life lessons from relationship disappointments and I can start to date again and  approach someone new with hope and optimism, if I choose too!

I know I need to be patient with ME!  Not every person has to be “the one.” Although talking and using the word "every" is somewhat scary!  I am not an "every" person!

The advice continues: " Tell your friends you’re ready to meet someone, and welcome them to set you up. (Are you kidding me?  No way!  lol) If you have adult children, you might find that the tables have turned with them now eager to give you dating advice. (So true, and believe it or not, they will be a help to the person who involves them self in my life!  Because they know their mother and the walls she puts up)

So it was a nice evening that got me thinking!  Yet tonight, although I laughed, I put walls up and down over and over in a short span of time! YOU know the kind, those protective ones that let no one in!  This was my conclusion!

I can still be vibrant and youthful at 60. I can take care of myself, live life with purpose, and aim to be the kind someone in someone's life. I am connected and involved. I meet people daily. I volunteer, take classes, go to church, and spend quality time with good friends. I'm self-assured, prioritize what matters and pursue the things I love. I love to laugh and play and can be child like at times!  I'm far from perfect but My glass is always half full! I'm living a full life. And although I appreciate all the advice, I'm my own person and I'm confident with who I am, and I know what I need in a relationship!  I also know that I have a big heart and a great capacity to love, but my love for the next person in my life won't be found by multiple dating, or putting myself out there in the public dating world or the on-line world!  I'll remain open, let my walls down, and follow my heart, that I promise to all the people in my life who love Junann and only want the best for her! But my friends, It will come, when the right person shows up and GOD places them in my path. Then and only then, will I give away my heart!

 

Vulnerability Matters

Feeling particularly stressed and overwhelmed at the end of pageant weekend, a very kind man said to me, “Just fall back and let the universe catch you.”

When he said that, a feeling of peace washed over me. How lovely it would be to simply let go and feel completely safe, knowing that everything would be OK. That I was OK. The thought gave me a few moments of respite from my worries. I was free from the pain and pretense of trying to control everything.

Imagine if you heard those words from someone you love — “Just fall back and let me catch you. Just fall back and tell me everything. Just fall back and be yourself, flaws and all. I will still love you. I will be there for you.” Imagine the peace of not holding it all in, of being completely authentic and open, sharing your most intimate dreams and fears, perfectly secure in the knowledge you won’t be ridiculed or rejected. Instead, you’ll be embraced.

Imagine being completely vulnerable and exposed, and rather than pushing someone away, it brings you closer together. Unfortunately, most of us have been trained from a very early age not to be vulnerable. We’ve learned the painful lesson of opening our hearts, telling our truths, and showing our frailties, only to have our hearts broken and our weaknesses disparaged. We’ve learned to hold back, to pretend to be someone else, to protect our hearts.

We’ve learned that the best defense against pain is a good offense. So, we build brick walls. We hold ourselves at arm’s length. We offer the smiling, jolly facade lest others think we aren’t pulled together and perfect. Of course, it’s exhausting and stressful maintaining this pretense. It takes a lot of energy to be something you’re not. It does protect you from emotional pain in the short term. But in the long run it wreaks havoc on your close relationships. Without being vulnerable, intimacy will wither and die, like a flower that never develops deep roots.

Vulnerability is an essential ingredient in any intimate relationships. Vulnerability reveals reality. When you are able to show yourself fully to another person, you experience the joy of being fully yourself. And they benefit from knowing all of you, not just the glossed-over, flaw-free parts of you. You both enjoy the depths and intricacies of all aspects of each other — the good, bad, and the ugly.  There is beauty in being known so completely.

I loved hearing my friend say do you still take your coffee black, cream only? Is purple still your favorite color, is being by the ocean still your stress reliever and do you still love yellow roses?  Do you still want to retire in Arizona, is going to Australia still on your bucket list, and is jewelry still your favorite gift? The things he remembers is part of knowing me so completely!  These simple things remembered are sweet, yet remembering them is his result of seeing me in one my most vulnerable states.  In the bad, he was helping me to remember some of life's simple things, yet my treasures!


Vulnerability builds confidence - And yes, I know this!  But for me in the "now" moment, when vulnerability creeps in, June wants to creep out! After Sharing a big part of me this weekend with someone special and feeling so good about it, I found myself shutting down and pulling away from what I felt.  Many things happened this week and decisions had to be made.  It was a tough week and I wanted to reach out! But there was no time to be vulnerable in our friendship - that means picking up a phone or texting someone you care about and telling them what's going on.  And why?  What's the point? What does it prove except that I'm weak maybe?  That I can't make decisions for myself? I look needy?  So in true June form, I go away.  The funny thing is before someone I care about knows it and realizes it, I will already be gone! And really this is a mute point, in the grand scheme of this post, because honestly I had to pull back because it was what I agreed to do!


My daughter showed up Wednesday and reminded me Vulnerability fosters trust! As you reveal yourself to another person, and they treat you with respect, love, and dignity, your trust in that person expands. And as you reveal more of yourself, you invite the other person to be vulnerable as well. You give them the courage to show the hidden or parts of themselves. You trust them and what they have to say!  You trust the smiles and welcome the laughter! Both people experience the security and peace of having the others back and knowing they are still loved and respected. Realizing what I was doing, she stepped in and made me laugh at myself and then she took charge of the situation and with a few simple words undid what I was doing!

Vulnerability invites growth. Vulnerability allows you to honestly reflect on your true self within the safe harbor of a trusting relationship. You can assess changes you need to make and the person you want to become without taking a blow to your self-esteem. Self-honesty is critical to living authentically which in turn opens doors to untapped potential.

I need to learn that being vulnerable does not mean I'm weak and needy!  It should mean I'm comfortable in who June is which means I can invite vulnerability into my life and let others see the complete June! I don't need to be afraid to share my feelings, share my tears, or be afraid to embrace the laughter and smiles!  I vow to let more of the walls down and to quit holding people special to me at arms length!