Feeling particularly stressed and overwhelmed at the end of pageant weekend, a very kind man said to me, “Just fall back and let the universe catch you.”
When he said that, a feeling of peace washed over me. How lovely it would be to simply let go and feel completely safe, knowing that everything would be OK. That I was OK. The thought gave me a few moments of respite from my worries. I was free from the pain and pretense of trying to control everything.
Imagine if you heard those words from someone you love — “Just fall back and let me catch you. Just fall back and tell me everything. Just fall back and be yourself, flaws and all. I will still love you. I will be there for you.” Imagine the peace of not holding it all in, of being completely authentic and open, sharing your most intimate dreams and fears, perfectly secure in the knowledge you won’t be ridiculed or rejected. Instead, you’ll be embraced.
Imagine being completely vulnerable and exposed, and rather than pushing someone away, it brings you closer together. Unfortunately, most of us have been trained from a very early age not to be vulnerable. We’ve learned the painful lesson of opening our hearts, telling our truths, and showing our frailties, only to have our hearts broken and our weaknesses disparaged. We’ve learned to hold back, to pretend to be someone else, to protect our hearts.
We’ve learned that the best defense against pain is a good offense. So, we build brick walls. We hold ourselves at arm’s length. We offer the smiling, jolly facade lest others think we aren’t pulled together and perfect. Of course, it’s exhausting and stressful maintaining this pretense. It takes a lot of energy to be something you’re not. It does protect you from emotional pain in the short term. But in the long run it wreaks havoc on your close relationships. Without being vulnerable, intimacy will wither and die, like a flower that never develops deep roots.
I loved hearing my friend say do you still take your coffee black, cream only? Is purple still your favorite color, is being by the ocean still your stress reliever and do you still love yellow roses? Do you still want to retire in Arizona, is going to Australia still on your bucket list, and is jewelry still your favorite gift? The things he remembers is part of knowing me so completely! These simple things remembered are sweet, yet remembering them is his result of seeing me in one my most vulnerable states. In the bad, he was helping me to remember some of life's simple things, yet my treasures!
Vulnerability builds confidence - And yes, I know this! But for me in the "now" moment, when vulnerability creeps in, June wants to creep out! After Sharing a big part of me this weekend with someone special and feeling so good about it, I found myself shutting down and pulling away from what I felt. Many things happened this week and decisions had to be made. It was a tough week and I wanted to reach out! But there was no time to be vulnerable in our friendship - that means picking up a phone or texting someone you care about and telling them what's going on. And why? What's the point? What does it prove except that I'm weak maybe? That I can't make decisions for myself? I look needy? So in true June form, I go away. The funny thing is before someone I care about knows it and realizes it, I will already be gone! And really this is a mute point, in the grand scheme of this post, because honestly I had to pull back because it was what I agreed to do!
My daughter showed up Wednesday and reminded me Vulnerability fosters trust! As you reveal yourself to another person, and they treat you with respect, love, and dignity, your trust in that person expands. And as you reveal more of yourself, you invite the other person to be vulnerable as well. You give them the courage to show the hidden or parts of themselves. You trust them and what they have to say! You trust the smiles and welcome the laughter! Both people experience the security and peace of having the others back and knowing they are still loved and respected. Realizing what I was doing, she stepped in and made me laugh at myself and then she took charge of the situation and with a few simple words undid what I was doing!
Vulnerability invites growth. Vulnerability allows you to honestly reflect on your true self within the safe harbor of a trusting relationship. You can assess changes you need to make and the person you want to become without taking a blow to your self-esteem. Self-honesty is critical to living authentically which in turn opens doors to untapped potential.
I need to learn that being vulnerable does not mean I'm weak and needy! It should mean I'm comfortable in who June is which means I can invite vulnerability into my life and let others see the complete June! I don't need to be afraid to share my feelings, share my tears, or be afraid to embrace the laughter and smiles! I vow to let more of the walls down and to quit holding people special to me at arms length!
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