After some nice wine and great conversation last night, one of my BFF's decides to approach me on the subject of dating after divorce. I think because we had some nice wine and in "Wine there is Truth". That's how the saying goes and she joins the handful of people who know me well enough to have this conversation!
While most of the conversation was hysterical, I found myself at home later in the evening "thinking"! I'll admit that I continued to "laugh" at the thought of actually dating at 60! Heck, I never really dated since high school and even then my first love as a teenager lasted almost 4 years and the next person, I was with, I married and had a child with! So the dating scene as I grew older, never happened then either. It's just not my deal to think of being out and about with one person one weekend and someone else another and I can't imagine that in all these years that has changed! But I listened to my friend and her advice as to the description of "whom" she things my perfect mate will be.
In true June form, I made light of most of it and described to her the 5 different men I know I don't want in my life:
1. Mr. Set-In-His-Ways. This is the 50+ something guy
who has totally adjusted to living alone. Which is great and he's probably
very happy. But he also wants to meet a woman, only he doesn't want to
change his life or schedule one iota for her. This is the guy who will
say something early on like, "I have tennis on Wednesday, squash on
Thursday, I'm camping all weekend, I need to spend Monday and Tuesday
writing my novel, I walk my dog from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. and I like to get
to bed early. So can you meet for 20 minutes at 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday in
three weeks? Oh, and can you come to my house?"
2. Mr. Commitmentphobe. Trust me, if he's gotten to 50+ without having ever been married (for more than a few days) or in a relationship over 5 years, he is never going to be in one. No, he just doesn't have bad luck. No, it's not that he hasn't met the right woman. That's what he tell you -- and he probably believes it. But there is no way that a guy goes decades of dating without finding one woman worth sticking with for a decent length of time unless he just doesn't want to. You can really only get away with this if you're George Clooney. (Tee Hee!)
3. Bitter Angry Dude. I don't know if it's that guys this age have seen a lot of relationship disappointment that has made them bitter and angry, or if their bitter/angry vibe is what makes women run from them to the point where they are still single at 50+, but these guys abound. You can tell them right off the bat though, because even on the first phone call they'll nastily correct you about weird stuff or start an argument about the most innocuous of topics. A conversation with them might go something like, You: "So, how do you like your job?" Him: "My job? Why would you ask about that? I thought we were trying to get to know each other personally. I don't want to talk about my job!" Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would break into a run. (laughing at myself again, picturing this)
4. The Flake. This is the 50+ something man-child who still doesn't know how to make plans in advance and can't stick to any type of schedule. He's the guy who says he will call you Monday night and then doesn't. A week later, he emails you, "Hey, what are you up to?" You explain that he never called, so why is he asking? He apologizes and says he will call you that night. He doesn't. A week later, he emails again, saying, "Hey, want to meet up?" You explain that you still haven't spoken yet. He says -- well, you can guess. It goes on like this into infinity. (Ha Ha - I've raised 3 children, who wants another one!)
5. Kid Guy. This is the guy with kids. Not that there's anything wrong with a single dad, but this guy is REALLY with kids. He asks if you can meet at 10 p.m. because he has to have dinner with his kids every night ... not even considering that you might like to meet earlier because you work in the morning. He uses his kids as an excuse not to get into a relationship. True story: One friend was dating this guy who kept using kid excuses not to see her. He had to do this for his daughter, that for his daughter. Finally my friend asked how old his daughter was, and the guy replied, "20"!
I think meeting someone is still about getting to know someone, taking the time to see if you connect spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. Communication remains key. From early on, I know I need to try and be intentional about showing real interest in the other person and get to know each another as transparently as possible.
Most of that age-old advice is as pertinent as ever: Be yourself, smile, keep an open mind, and be honest. Know yourself — be able to identify your strengths and weaknesses — and know what you’re looking for in a relationship.
I have a past; who doesn’t? I know what time has taught me. I'm asking myself what have I learned from past relationships? What do I need now? What can’t I stand?
I've taken life lessons from relationship disappointments and I can start to date again and approach someone new with hope and optimism, if I choose too!
2. Mr. Commitmentphobe. Trust me, if he's gotten to 50+ without having ever been married (for more than a few days) or in a relationship over 5 years, he is never going to be in one. No, he just doesn't have bad luck. No, it's not that he hasn't met the right woman. That's what he tell you -- and he probably believes it. But there is no way that a guy goes decades of dating without finding one woman worth sticking with for a decent length of time unless he just doesn't want to. You can really only get away with this if you're George Clooney. (Tee Hee!)
3. Bitter Angry Dude. I don't know if it's that guys this age have seen a lot of relationship disappointment that has made them bitter and angry, or if their bitter/angry vibe is what makes women run from them to the point where they are still single at 50+, but these guys abound. You can tell them right off the bat though, because even on the first phone call they'll nastily correct you about weird stuff or start an argument about the most innocuous of topics. A conversation with them might go something like, You: "So, how do you like your job?" Him: "My job? Why would you ask about that? I thought we were trying to get to know each other personally. I don't want to talk about my job!" Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would break into a run. (laughing at myself again, picturing this)
4. The Flake. This is the 50+ something man-child who still doesn't know how to make plans in advance and can't stick to any type of schedule. He's the guy who says he will call you Monday night and then doesn't. A week later, he emails you, "Hey, what are you up to?" You explain that he never called, so why is he asking? He apologizes and says he will call you that night. He doesn't. A week later, he emails again, saying, "Hey, want to meet up?" You explain that you still haven't spoken yet. He says -- well, you can guess. It goes on like this into infinity. (Ha Ha - I've raised 3 children, who wants another one!)
5. Kid Guy. This is the guy with kids. Not that there's anything wrong with a single dad, but this guy is REALLY with kids. He asks if you can meet at 10 p.m. because he has to have dinner with his kids every night ... not even considering that you might like to meet earlier because you work in the morning. He uses his kids as an excuse not to get into a relationship. True story: One friend was dating this guy who kept using kid excuses not to see her. He had to do this for his daughter, that for his daughter. Finally my friend asked how old his daughter was, and the guy replied, "20"!
I think meeting someone is still about getting to know someone, taking the time to see if you connect spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. Communication remains key. From early on, I know I need to try and be intentional about showing real interest in the other person and get to know each another as transparently as possible.
Most of that age-old advice is as pertinent as ever: Be yourself, smile, keep an open mind, and be honest. Know yourself — be able to identify your strengths and weaknesses — and know what you’re looking for in a relationship.
Everything listed above considered, some things have changed. Online dating is now the norm, with people getting to know each other online — or at least screening each other — before that first date. Your career is significantly further along than it was decades ago; financial security must be a benefit. I know it’s important not to make assumptions in dating, especially in the areas of sexual expectations and roles. I think the way we see things as we're older is different so how we see and talk about the future is important. The future we once thought about is NOW. At this age we've planned for retirement. We have grown children and grandchildren. Aging and death aren’t as distant as they once were. The way we communicate about and focus on the future will dictate compatibility, at least for me!
Now she gives me the sex talk! Sex matters, according to my friend! "It did when you were young and it still does. Know your boundaries and values before starting to date! Now that we're older we feel more sexually liberated and confident than in days of our insecure, inexperienced youth. Talking about sex is no longer taboo; expect to have these conversations fairly early on in a new dating relationship. Note: With the greater prevalence of STDs today, even postmenopausal women should insist on protection during sexual activity." (Giggling again, thinking of getting the sex talk from my friend. Really, I'm 60! Still giggling!)
I have a past; who doesn’t? I know what time has taught me. I'm asking myself what have I learned from past relationships? What do I need now? What can’t I stand?
I've taken life lessons from relationship disappointments and I can start to date again and approach someone new with hope and optimism, if I choose too!
