Better or Bitterness!

 

Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

Yesterday, was a bad day for me and if you know June at all, you know the smiling June whose laughter fills a room! Few people ever see a different June, yet I have those times when something will finally take me to my knees!

Yesterday I learned what is to make the difference in my healing:  I learned to bless the thorns in my life. I began to see that the thorn and rose define one another. Since, one cannot exist without the other, we can only enjoy the rose when we embrace the thorn.

As a society, though, we make healing from loss very difficult. We unintentionally tell each other lies about suffering and the healing process. One of those lies is that “Time heals all wounds.” If time healed all wounds, why do so many people suffer their entire lives from things that happened decades ago?

It’s not “time” that heals all wounds. It’s hard work. And hard work takes time and commitment to being happy!

You have to Choose to Heal! When tragedy or loss comes to your life, you have just one decision to make that will determine the whole of your remaining life:

 

Will you be bitter or better?
Your future happiness depends on the choice you make. On the surface of it, this seems like a “no brainer” decision. I mean, why would you choose bitterness over joy?

Well, here’s one reason: When a child dies, your entire future dies—at least the future you envisioned for yourself. When you divorce or separate, your entire future dies-at least all the dreams and plans you had together as a couple!  When a job is lost - your entire futures dies - at least your self confidence and certainty for your future! When a friendship is dissolved - your entire future dies, at least all your BFF plans!  When we bury parents - our entire future dies - at least our security and loss of our biggest life fans! And on and on, and we believe our sorrow is the only tangible evidence of any of this.

The choice to get better means making the choice to move past your sorrow.

As strange as it sounds, the loss of your sorrow can feel like an additional death. Worse, it feels like the final death, because it feels like you are choosing to deny your child, your marriage, your friendships, your job, your parents existence. As it turns out, I was wrong about how I was handling things. Lots of other tangible evidence came from this person who keeps on choosing to hurt me!

Choosing to heal means letting go of the immediate reward of your suffering for the promise of your future!  

It is a risk that all who heal take, and it is not an easy choice to make while you are feeling you are in a hell hole! BUT GOD continues to urge me nonetheless.

Joy can be an individual experience. When you are joyful, I am happy for you. But I don’t necessarily feel enlightened by your happiness. When you let me see your sorrow, however, then I feel an affinity with you. It is our shared suffering—our thorns—that make empathy possible.  It is our thorns that make us protective of one another, yet I have never been good at sharing mine.  It is few who get to see that June! But I'm learning that thorns are the pathway to community and peace. And like I reach out to others, I need to embrace the many people in my life who continue to reach out to me!  They don't expect me to be perfect or without thorns in my life, THEY just want to share my life!

Suffering Brings Wisdom—If You Choose to Heal! 

 

It used to bother me that people complimented me for my “wisdom” or “courage”!  If I refuse to celebrate and share that hard-won wisdom, I essentially cut the rose from the thorn bush. I often share wisdom because it is a gift of grace. My Grace. The rose of my wisdom is made possible because of the thorns of my sorrows.  

Loss of my first born grandson, my daddy, suicides, sons addiction, fatal car accident, stage 3 colon cancer, husbands affair and loss of marriage and the list goes on!  These are the thorns, the sorrows, yet I have been blessed with the Grace of God!  I'm a survivor!

Once the “worst thing” that can ever happen to you in life actually happens—once you decide to get better instead of bitter—then you get to live the entire rest of your life without being paralyzed by fear. After all what is left to fear?

But what if the worst thing hasn’t happened to me yet? Can I still live a life less controlled by fear? Absolutely I CAN and I WILL!

I choose to remember that suffering makes community possible. That means that you can “borrow” my suffering and use it as a tool to heal your fears.

Whatever that worst thing is, I can assure you that some human being in the history of the planet has survived that thing. And triumphed! All you have to do to be break free from fear is determine that, if your “worst thing” ever happened, you would make a study of how others have triumphed over that thing. Once you make that decision, you have a “worst case scenario” action plan in place. 

If you decide! To get better, Instead of bitter.

The tools of choice, celebration, community, and reaching out to others are ways that I have learned to become a better person! 

The thorn of my losses and sorrows, my mistakes or wanting to lash out have now become my rose! Each petal is a representation of all parts of me, not just the sorrows but the triumphs and the victories!  My rose represents “all healing is possible,” for myself and others.

I can only feel sorry for ones in my life who have chosen to be victims and let their lives be represented by thorns because they choose bitterness over better!  I have learned I can't change them.  God says love them and forgive them!  I'm not there yet, but I AM in a place where I no longer am going to give them continued power over my heart and hurting me!

This morning on my knees before GOD, I let go of the thorn and added another petal to my Rose!  I made the choice to GET BETTER not BITTER!

 Thank you God my Father for loving me unconditionally and sending your beloved son, so I may have the gift of "GRACE".

Junann Smith Amaral

Ending a Friendship

Friendships are one of the most rewarding and important parts of life, but unfortunately, there are times when a bond we create with another person slowly begins to deteriorate and a certain friendship stops bringing emotional reward and joy. Quite simply, spending time with this person begins to feel as if it's doing more harm than good.

It can be challenging to recognize the damage caused by a toxic friendship, especially if you've known and cared about the person for a long time. But if you've resolved to be happier and healthier, looking at your relationships is a good place to start.

Some relationships are complex but you have to consider one crucial point: "Am I being honored and am I honoring the person?" Conflict happens when a person is not feeling honored in a relationship. And I think this goes for all types of relationships, whether platonic, romantic or professional.

In a harmful relationship, we may feel the friend is insulting, critical, needy, petty or selfish. A friend may ask for honest advice and then become angry when you deliver it, or do the opposite of what you suggest. A toxic friend may persist in giving unsolicited advice, or talk only about their own life and problems without considering your needs and feelings. Sometimes a friend may burden you with his or her own problems, whether it's job, money, or relationship woes -- but not offer any support in return.

This is so true and I find that their are lop-sided friendships that I need to take a look at!
Because these relationships are draining, it is time to drift from them and move on!  There is just no time in my life for the drama.  I need the give and take and the balance that relationships give you!

"If every time I'm talking with someone they are saying things like 'this is awful, this always happens to me' this is a red a flag of negativity.  Certainly, people go through stuff, and I don't want to drop a friend just because they're having a rough patch. GOD knows I've had mine, but when there's a consistent negative pattern, I need to make a change.

It turns out the burden of a toxic friendship doesn't just damage your psyche -- it's can be harmful to your long-term health. I read that somewhere! It makes sense!  We know that positive people lift us up and negative people bring us down!

I think in my core people, there are three types of friendships that scare me and are unhealthy.  Friends who pick fights, friends who compete with me, and friends who are clingy and demanding of too much time and attention. If I find spending time with a certain friend fits one of those descriptions or makes me feel rotten for whatever reason, it may be time to cut that person out of my life. It's time to break that cycle, but nothing about it makes me feel good.  Only sad, because I value my friendships and people in general!

I do think that we have patterns in life that get set up when we're really little that we tend to repeat in relationships. And we all know the saying "If it happens once, shame on you; if it happens twice, shame on me."

Today I faced four very important questions: 

Can I trust them?
Are they committed to excellence?
Do they care about and respect me?
Do we bring out the best in each other?

Also I asked myself questions, because ultimately I believe the friends we have in life mirror who are. It's not that we necessarily attract them; but we do say yes to them. It's a matter of who you say yes to. It's based upon how we see ourselves as valued!

So today I made the decision to close the book on a friendship,  and I know it's important to be clear with the person about my intentions. But, maybe more importantly, it's essential to let them know that I'm ending the friendship because of the way it makes me feel,  not because of who they are as a person. I care about this person, but it's really hard to witness what you're going through. I really need to end our friendship. It just doesn't work for me, and what you're interested in and what I'm interested in, isn't the same. This relationship doesn't bring out the best in me. I want them to be really great at handling conflict and to do that they need to focus on themselves.

It makes me sad to imagine life without this person, but I also feel a sense of relief! I already know that I'll be happier to get rid of the drama, boredom, or other negative feelings that I associate with this person, so I know its the right thing! Friendships can take as much time and effort as any other kind of relationship. Today I made the hard choice to let this person go, but it just drains to much of my energy to continue!

God Bless you my friend!  I have let you go, but I will always value the good times and wish for you only the best in life!

Embracing "NO"

One syllable. Two tiny letters. Yet there are some people who would rather DO ANYTHING than VOICE that sound. Even for people who can say “NO,” it doesn’t always come easily.

Our culture has given us ways that help us avoid having to utter that dreaded word. We have invented ways of suggesting that we might want to decline without having to look anyone in the eye and say “NO.” If you stand back and watch it happen, you’ll be amazed at the number of socially acceptable, watered-down alternatives there are for that simple, one-syllable word.  It’s as if we think speaking those two letters is going to kill us!  I wonder if that makes me a “no-o-phobic.” (Tee hee)

We all have friends who have a difficult time with NO! An example? I ask a friend to go to a social event that is important to me  I make the invite, no response! I offer the invitation the next time via text message or email, still no response! A third invitation, Again, nothing. I get it - "you've already answered my question through a passive "NO"!
It just means you can't look me in the eye and say “NO.” It really doesn’t matter whether you’re face to face, talking to them on the phone, texting or emailing them—they are far more comfortable having your request die of old age than actually refusing it. They’ll leave it for you to figure out.   “Just Say No.” But this is where you need to remind yourself that what’s terrifying for one person can be a walk in the park for somebody else.

Do I agree with this way to say "NO"? But it's true, I am not a passive person.  I think social honesty is more important, even if the expression of that honesty may lead to a few awkward moments. The easy way out is rarely the best way, and it is rarely something to be proud of. I’d go even further: When it becomes habitual, it is something to be ashamed of.

Few of us seek conflict, but it is hard to imagine a life without it. I disrespect the person who chose not to say “NO” when the invite came. You've avoided ruffling feathers at  what cost? Personal integrity? Cowardice? Disrespect? Do those sound like admirable qualities? Sometimes “NO” is the most honorable and respectful thing you can say to someone.
Nope! Unh unh. Naw. No. No!  Since I was just asked recently asked, "Did I know how to say NO, I want to embrace the beauty of NO.

It’s time to say NO for me!  As women, we’re taught to say yes: Yes to helping people. Yes to being the caretaker. Yes to juggling dinner and our kids’ bath time, homework, laundry and dishes. YES YES YES.

But damn, that is tiring. Saying YES to everything wipes me out. And I've got limited energy left for the important things or people in me life! So it’s time to say NO.

Clear  MY calendar. 

My calendar is filled with engagements I'm only half-interested in, but I said YES to because I didn’t want to appear anti-social, or hurt someone’s feelings. It’s time to clear those calendar events, Cancel them. Cross them out. I need to realize I don’t have time to spend on things that aren’t really good for me, b) really fun or c) really necessary. I invite myself to say NO to everything else.
Am I doing too much? It’s time to delegate. Maybe I need to have a heart-to-heart with people about sharing the responsibility. Maybe I need to find space in my budget so I can hire a yard man every couple weeks. I need to say NO to things I just can’t do, start asking for more help, and delegate. Maybe my result would be more energy, more time, and more time to focus on people and relationships.
“I know you’re really busy, but can you spare a few hours to volunteer at our art fair this weekend?” “I’m moving next month, can you help me pack?” “I’m cleaning out my closet, want to come over and help? You can have anything I don’t want anymore…”

Don’t do it, June! I feel like I should say yes. But  NO. My energy is precious, and I need to use it wisely. So often, I say yes to things that really aren’t good for me, out of fear the person making the request will feel hurt. They’re my friends, or my family members, and I don’t want to “let them down.” Well, tough. If they get their feelings hurt because I asserted my needs, that’s their problem, not mine.

The people who love me, who like me, who respect me, will get it when I say NO. I don’t owe them an explanation, but providing why might help ease the NO.

This will be a learning curve for me!  I was told I need a manager - that statement made me laugh, but probably isn't far from the truth. I'm a pleaser,  but I have to try and learn to Embrace the beauty of saying NO and see how that simple word, can change my life!

Overwhelming Stress

My daughter's whose heart is broken, the young man next door who feels empty and hollow despite having the life he once dreamed of, the middle-aged friend whose life hasn’t met her expectation, the daughters who buried the mother who took her life, the little girl who cradles her family dog in her lap after being hit by a car, the devastation of divorce and picking up the empty pieces, the betrayal of infidelity by someone you trusted, the money thrown after one repair after another, The constant hours worked to never get ahead, the countless hours of giving and no one notices YOU and the words C A N C E R you thought could only happen to someone else!

I'm a caring friend; one who takes on the pain of the people in her life. All their emotions, and those of others, stay with me in one way or another until I finally break and I have to replenish myself and let them go. Being an emotionally sensitive person , I need time to recoup. It is crucial for me to live a contented life. It’s the first chapter in my owner’s manual for myself.  Most of the time, I can't tell you what I need to gain control until the very moment it is happening to me.

I start to unravel, a little at a time at first, then it takes hold of every part of my being and devours me! It's that Overwhelming Stress, I fight for control over!  For the past two weeks, I have been unusually stressed. Lack of sleep, sadness and grieving add up to emotional vulnerability–every feeling I had is magnified by being worn down. It began Saturday night when I wanted to hide, tell people to leave me alone and shut down emotionally to stop the pain.  I imagined holding a sign with Leave Me Alone written in large letters across the front and back. I wished I could be invisible. Even small, ordinary events like a text message became irritating.  I pushed down my screams, though they still echoed loudly in my mind, and worried about losing control.  But in true June form, I found a small window of balance and got thru my commitments on Saturday!


Again in true June form, I judged myself as weak for not being able to get past the hurt, the overwhelming emotion and felt lazy for not being as productive as I could be in the one hour or so I had on Sunday! I needed to be hard on myself–how else would I pick myself up and get thru the next couple of non-stop weeks. But judgments add to emotional pain, just like going over and over the negative experience. When you think about a negative experience over and over you experience it many times instead of just once. I dove deeper into a black hole.

I realized I used helping others as a way of  avoiding my own feelings. I’d pushed down too many feelings and now my numbing wasn’t working. Most people have a point where they want to shut down emotionally and numb themselves. Emotionally sensitive people reach that point sooner, with less provocation, and stay overwhelmed longer than people who are not emotionally sensitive. Sometimes emotionally sensitive people attempt to stay numb most of the time in order to avoid the intensity of their feelings. I know I do it,  understandable but not helpful in the long run. Numbing means feeling tired from fighting the feelings, feeling anxious,  plus experiencing long-term effects of stress. In addition, I will reach a point where numbing doesn’t work.

Numbing is not just about using drugs or alcohol. Some people numb through withdrawing, shopping, staying busy, sleeping, talking constantly or helping others. Many people stay half-present by using multiple activities to avoid being present or experiencing their feelings. When the numbness starts to wear off, I feel anxious and uncomfortable.  The feelings are too strong.

Knowing ways to comfort myself when in emotional pain is helpful. Many people reach out to others for comfort. For others, being with people at those times is too difficult. I am the one who pulls away!  I snap and push away!  I don't want people to see the sad June and few have.  But you can rest assured if you do see that side and I do reach out to you, I'm in emotional trouble and experiencing the pain at my worst!
I try and Stay mindful.  It’s a lot easier to be mindful of a beautiful beach or sunset than to be mindful of intense grief and loss. But noticing and feeling grief is part of emotional health. To not be mindful and experience painful feelings means the feelings could affect your health and may come out in destructive ways.

Take a break. Finding ways to comfort yourself and still feel the difficult emotions means the emotions can pass more quickly. Facing emotions is different than soaking in them until they drain you dry. Once I've acknowledged and expressed my feelings, I know its not helpful to go over and over the same thing in my head. That reignites the emotions. 
Isolating or hiding is not healthy, but taking a short break to recoup my energy could be productive. The difference I think, at least for me, is that taking a brief break is purposeful and time-limited, and is not about avoidance.

Sometimes emotionally sensitive people become reactive to their own emotions. Feeling any painful emotion scares me, because I have years of experience with the difficulty of managing intense emotions. Accepting loss as a normal part of life that everyone experiences at some point is part of not fighting against reality. Grieving and feeling hurt and disappointment are part of being human.

I am on Day #3 of feeling overwhelmed, tearful and out of control!  I try and change the story I am telling myself.  If I look at the emotionally difficult situations I have experienced, sometimes I find a common pattern. People often have hot buttons, me included, and it can create a lens through which I see the world. Sometimes I see myself as responsible for circumstances that truly are not in my control or I tend to give too much power to others. I have to challenge myself to see the situation in a different way.  I look for meaning in the experience or a lesson learned. I have to look for the parts of the experiences that were in my control and what I could have done differently.

I am not weak for grieving. I am not weak because I felt disappointment!  I am not weak because I couldn't change you!  I am not weak because  I can't be everything to everybody! I am not weak because I need to say the word NO! I am not weak because I want you to know I love you! I am not weak because I hurt and cry! I am not weak because I asked for your help or needed a hug!

I AM just human, I AM just one person trying to make the world a better place, I AM just a woman who has a PASSION for LOVE and LIFE!

From my heart to yours, I walk with a heavy heart again today!

Giver or Taker

Recently I have became aware of certain roles I play and things June does. I use to talk about this to my ex-husband all the time, because relationship was never a strength of his and yet it is a strong suit of mine.  But like anyone else, our daily lives get busy and I get lax on nurturing a friendship, building a relationship or reaching out to others because I need them! 

My definition of a friend is someone who cherishes the special moments and memories of
life with another person. A friend is a trustworthy companion.

Friendship is a relationship which takes time to build. There are many steps and stages to achieving a true friendship. A friendship for me is like planting a garden. It represents, devotion and time. It takes patience to grow a garden; first the seed is planted. The seed builds the foundation of a strong and stable plant. It has to be taken care of and watered daily.

Building a friendship is similar . One meets a person and plants the seed of friendship. The friendship builds and continues to grow stronger. It requires devotion of time and patience to achieve peak communication between the two companions. The struggle to keep a solid friendship includes many obstacles and hardships. But compromising, devotion,
willingness and the gift of time to endure is bound to payoff in the end.

I love this quote "It takes a long time to grow an old friendship". Friendship has its good and bad times. I hate when friendships just don't work and are destroyed by a silly disagreement or misunderstanding. Friends have the patience to deal with such
frustrations. The willingness and determination to get the relationship working again has to be a dual effort.  But along the way, I have learned there is always the Giver and the Taker as unfortunate as that may be! One person is always more willing to Compromise to rebuild the friendship!

That one person is me.   I am most often the first one to text, send a card, write a note, leave something at your front door, invite you for a glass of wine or a weekend away! If I sat back and waited for some people in life to initiate spending time together, we would never see each other!  Yet when I pick up the phone and call them, they are excited, say Yes and off we go to enjoy a wonderful time together.  It's just my role and I accept it!  Admittedly, yes it would be nice to be able to sit back and let someone else make the plans when all I had to say was YES!  Nice YES, but will I sit around and wait for that?  In most cases NO!  I don't sit around and wait - I LIVE LIFE!

More often than not, your friendship is important to me.  IT wouldn't be a friendship if there wasn't some sort of connection.  I have found myself pulling away recently from friendships which is for me, not the normal!  I think its because I find making friends easy. So sometimes when it's not, my reaction is to pull away and tell myself I have a full life with so many wonderful people it in, there's no time to waste on building these new friendships which is seemingly going to take some effort!

Believe me, I have my moments.  When life gets demanding, my friendships are the first to suffer.  But the good part of strong relationship is, the people in my life know who June is and they know the seasons of my life!  I have a girlfriend who says every year when we hit November, "There goes my friend for the next 4 months!  I'll see her again after the pageant!"  And although she's teasing, she's not far from the truth!  But you see it's those friends close to you, who know your passions that understand, learn about them, and embrace you for having one!  She's like so many other people in my life that "get it" and in the next 4 months she will call and ask me how pageant season is going.  Why?  Because she cares about whats important to me, the same way I feel about her!

I have relationships that go back to nursery school age.  We share bonds that can never be broken.  I left town and raised a family away from the valley for 25 years and when I came home, those relationships began like time had stopped still!  Now I travel back the other way and those friendships remain strong in my life.

Recently a very special person said to me, "It's not how often we get together, it's that we do get together and pick up right where we left off"!  How true that was and what a wonderful 2 hours we spend together!


I have a full life and am so blessed for all the wonderful people who fill it!  I know I should pick up the phone more, but my pageant daughters taught me to text and I have to admit it's easier when you are spread so thin!  I vow to get better my friends!

As for new relationships, yes I have stepped in and then stepped out, stepped in and stepped out!  I've given myself excuses for letting the friendship die, but then stepped back in to save it.  I think I step back in and put myself out there to build on a friendship, because I might miss something or someone important.  If God placed someone in my path, then don't I owe that person the gift of time and the chance to get to know them?

Part of that push and pull, step in and step out, yes and no tug of war comes from just getting tired of always being the one to take charge, so the push back on my part is stepping back and waiting to see if this friendship is worth having? Does the other person want this friendship to grow?  Friendships take time and I guess the question is DO I have time?  Is it worth my time?  And I'm going to be selfish and take a different spin on relationship!  Are you going to give the TIME to make it worth my time? Because if that is truly a yes, those that know me well, know that You can expect 120%

LIVE in the NOW!

I have been said to “Live in the Now!” Referring to most of the time irresponsibility in making decisions that don’t always pan out for the best. A sense of spontaneity whereas I’m almost a little too spontaneous. A problem that persists in not fulling thinking things through and processing the outcome or consequence. I’m also a bit more of a dreamer that spends a lot of time in the future and what can and should be. These attributes as most people who recover from any addiction can agree most of their lives are spent in the here and now without any thought to what lies ahead. After reading this morning I realize that God wants us to live in the here and now, but, in a completely different way than I am used to. He calls us to trust him enough that we allow things to happen without emerging into the abyss of self-control and lost predictions. He wants us to live brightly in the light of his love that never dims or fades. So many of us are guilty of “future tripping” we blind ourselves and prevent the actuality of the Now when it actually becomes the Now! As a constant projection into the future role playing in our minds what we do or say. Maybe before a prayer, a meeting, an interview, a big game, we tend to “allow ourselves to prepare” yet all we are really doing is seeking self- sufficiency, we are lighting our own way with a light that constantly is being blown out. We use match after match or flick after flick to relight our candle that never really holds a steady flicker of light wondering how others never have to pull out a matchbook or lighter. Although only a slight minuscule sin that consistently goes unnoticed, it is yet again ourselves who block the blessings from above. The secret is to put our candle on the shelf and only use the bright spotlight of God. The light that constantly burn s inside all of use. Stop future tripping, stop pretending to know everything when we should really only proclaim to know ONE THING! That thing, is the faithfulness of God. God wants us to LIVE IN THE NOW, fully depending on him for every step we take. He is truly faithful to us; we must have true faith in him. Get rid of the feelings of inadequacy and self-sufficiency, rejoice in the abundance of love God has for you.  Step down from the horse and open your eyes to the truth. I’ll start, “My competence is nothing without my trust and faith in you lord.” We are human built with shear incompetence when it comes to our actions, our words, our thoughts. We are built to bask in the light of God, to fully commit ourselves to him so he can shine brightly in and through us! That means ALL OF US! Our competence level is solely to be in the faith of our creator,  built TO HEAR THE VOICE OF GOD!. John 15:4 Jesus states, " Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. We have got to stop divvying up responsibility, believing we can handle this and I’ll need Gods help with that. “TRUST in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3: 5-6 (NIV). In the words of Brian Johnson and Bethel Music, " For we trust in our God, and through his unfailing love, WE WILL NOT BE SHAKEN..." So  I leave you with this, when you begin to future trip, STOP! Look up and ask God to guide your steps. Stop Worrying about it and let him consume your words and your actions. Yes! LIVE IN THE NOW, confident in God and his plan. Be DISCIPLINED and Competent that our God is for us! BE COURAGEOUS! Have the courage to set down your candle and pick up his spotlight, the one that shines brightly in you and never fades or shimmers! HUMBLY watch everything in your life transform, (trust me on this one, I see his faithfulness, love, mercy, and grace every second of every day.) STAND firm and be still, KNOW THAT HE IS GOD! Today I put down my candle, Will you put down yours?

Expectation vs. Reality

One of the greatest challenges on the path to greater, joy, and happiness is mastering expectations. There is a great deal of confusion about what expectations really are, how to use them, and above all how not to be hurt by them. I have two choices reflected by these two quotes: 

High expectations are the key to everything.- Sam Walton

 

Expectation is the root of all heartache.- William Shakespeare

Expectations - hmmmmm. This has been on my mind for a few weeks now, when I felt let down by a friend on a couple of occasions.  Just this last week I felt disappointed again by the same person. The fact that it has stayed with me and continues to bother me, means I need to process "EXPECTATIONS" and move on!

We create them all the time but once created they take on a life of their own. We expect that the food in the supermarket won't make us sick, we expect our parents to tell us the truth, we expect Teachers to educate our children And most of the time we get what we expect. But every now and again something very different happens from what we expect and it shocks us. "How could he/she/they/it do this to me? This isn't what I expected at all!"  It's as though there has been a breach of contract, an unspoken deal has been broken. We get upset as though we have been personally attacked.

Expectations are not future reality. They are not contracts with the Universe. They are not something outside of us that is a part of nature. They are simply beliefs we have accepted about the future. Very often our expectations are based on what we think are probable outcomes, on the projection of patterns we see, or simply on the basis of hope. Sometimes we base our expectations on what other people have said or what we thought they said. Or our expectations are based on meanings we have created to make sense of our immediate world. But, however they come to be, WE are the ones who create them.

Whether consciously or not we choose these beliefs and they are our creation. Sometimes they can lead to unpredictable, and perhaps, disastrous results when we are not fully conscious of our creations. For instance, perhaps I love my son so much that I want him to do well in school so that he can go on to a good college. As I envision his great success in life, I create an expectation that he will study hard and get good grades. However, if he should find that what he really wants to do is spend his time surfing and hanging with his friends, I may well be very disappointed. I might be so disappointed that I withhold love to a large degree to show my disappointment and in so doing poison my relationship with the son I love so.

The same holds true in our relationships with each other. I may not give a new friendship a chance to grow because by my own expectations I have sabotaged it before I gave it a chance to grow or maybe unfairly I have placed Expectations on another without verbalizing to them what my Expectations are.  That would hardly be fair!

With this in mind it's easy to see that we often make expectations simply based on how we think the world works. And most of the time the world works the way we think it should. This leads to a very powerful understanding that if we want to change our experience, then we need to change our expectations. That is to say that conscious expectations can be used to great effect, especially when we choose to expect good things, situations and experiences that help us to feel GREAT.

But when we make our expectations unconsciously and are not aware of having done so, then the expectations are like rogue thought-forms. They have a way of creating a "reality" that may be in alignment with how we think things work but may be a far cry from how we want them to be.

What happens when our expectations, conscious or not, are unfulfilled? This is the source of the disappointment that expectations are famous for. What we do with that disappointment determines how much pleasure we can have in the ensuing moments. If I created my expectation as a kind of unspoken pact with another person then I'm likely to feel cheated, angry and/or hurt. Things didn't work out the way I thought they would, so someone is to blame. What's important here is not to find out why things didn't go the way they "should" have and who is responsible for that. The real question is who decided that things should go a certain way and that any other way was unacceptable. And I think we all know the answer to that one.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.- Dennis Wholey

Once I have recognized that I am responsible for my expectations and that they are only beliefs, not some form of reality, then I am then in the position to process those feelings (and perhaps feelings from the memory of similar situations). I created my expectation based on my understanding of how this person should react, then my disappointment left  me confused.  If my disappointment is in the actions, or non-actions, of other people then we have to recognize that there is another factor involved here as well. While expectation is very powerful, it is not as powerful as free will. We can't get people to do what we want with simple expectation.  The sanest way to deal with this is to give people permission to be who they are and to do what they do, just as we give ourselves permission to be who we are and to do what we do.

Another way to deal with unmet expectations is to reframe the experience. Suppose I expected to see a movie tonight but when I got to the theater I discovered that the movie had moved on. Besides feeling disappointed or angry, I could immediately look around for something else. I could take this as a gift and look to see what else is playing or what other interesting, cool things might be around.

For me and knowing who I am,  letting go of most expectations might be better. Certainly, letting go of the expectations of how anything specifically will be experienced is good. If I am hiking in new territory, I'm there to experience what there is there. I may have some specifics that I feel are important, things I want to see, particular experiences that are appealing, questions answered, but I am most likely to enjoy this friendship by limiting my expectations to those general ones in the nature of having fun and learning more about something. In this frame of mind disappointment easily melts away as learning always leaves room for surprises.

Expectations are a form of focus, just as intentions are. However, they are a kind of focus that disallows doubt and that is their great usefulness. Once we have become clear about what our desire is and we have chosen to have that desire met, then we put some effort towards meeting that desire and expect to have the desired result. This puts our whole being behind bringing our desire into reality and the expectation is the strongest expression of our will. It is much stronger than hope or optimism. It is a visceral kind of faith that involves the body as well as the heart and mind because it removes room for doubt.

We often sabotage the creation of what we want by letting our doubts sap our energy. When we allow our focus to be dispersed by questions that start with, "What if" then some of our energy is dealing with the very opposite of what it is that we desire. I am famous for this, espically in times of stress when I am stretched to thin!

But what happens when even our conscious expectation doesn't come to pass? The first thing to do is to look at what did happen. Very often what we find is that we have brought into being "the nearest equivalent" of what we had desired.

If I have chosen an expectation intentionally as a way of influencing my experience and what I expected did not occur then I'm left with valuable information. I do not necessarily have an emotional response, simply that what I expected did not occur. It may well be that the nearest possible circumstance was created instead. Or it may be that a part of me felt that what I was expecting would not be in my best interest. All this leads to the point that we choose what assumptions and meanings we make about any results and that determines the experience we have at that point.

Nobody succeeds beyond his or her wildest expectations unless he or she begins with some wild expectations. - Ralph Charrell

There are my 4 basic new-found rules of EXPECTATIONS:

The first is to remember that expectations are related to reality only as tools we can use to influence reality. Don't mistake them for reality itself.

Secondly, make expectations a conscious choice. If you encounter disappointment that gets under your skin, then you know it was an unconscious choice of expectation and you didn't take responsibility for it from the beginning.

Thirdly, you can expect anything you want. There are no limits to what you can imagine, what you can desire, and what you can expect to come to you. You are energizing your desire by your expectation in a very powerful way. There is no reason to hold back on influencing others to fulfill your best self.

And finally, even with no doubt that your expectation will be fulfilled, it may not happen. Something will happen, though, and by looking at what did happen as the closest thing possible given the current circumstances, you can stay balanced, grateful, and happy.

Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.

- Brian Tracy

What about the expectations of others? Most of us know how difficult it can be to encounter the disappointment of other people when we don't meet their expectations. As children most of us were taught that we were not supposed to disappoint other people, particularly our elders. Guilt and shame at the very least were the consequences of this disappointment. This, of course, has left many of us very aware of the expectations of others to the degree that we are afraid to disappoint anyone, even to the point of sacrificing our own happiness.

Expectations used in this way are a form of control, with the threat implicit or implied. They are intended to override our free will. As we grow into maturity we learn to assert our free will more and more but the habits of yielding to the expectations of others can be hard to break.

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.

- The Gestalt Prayer - Fritz Perls

It is a major claiming of our freedom when we are willing to disappoint others if their expectations conflict with our own sense of well being. Just as we need to take responsibility for our own expectations, we need to let others take responsibility for theirs. If we don't, if we take responsibility for them, then we are diminishing their ability to choose for themselves. That is to say, we are both inhibiting their free will and we are stifling their own inner guidance system, the one that lets them feel for themselves the value and virtue of any particular act or thought. In essence, we are disempowering them by taking responsibility for them. However, when we take responsibility for our own expectations but refuse to take responsibility for living up to another's, we are supporting everyone's self-empowerment.

So that's my rant in a nutshell on Expectations vs. Reality?  And so will I change my EXPECTATIONS of the people in my life?  Probably not!  I hold different people to different standards based on my relationship with them, but will I always have an EXPECTATION? The answer is Yes!  What I can promise is this, my EXPECTATION of you will never be more than I EXPECT of myself.  I have promised myself to step back and give myself the gift of time to regroup and relax the expectations I place on myself!

God Bless my friends!
Junann Smith Amaral

Step Out Into Faith Sean

These three remain: faith, hope and love. — 1 Corinthians 13:13

Faith, hope, and love. According to the Bible these are three indispensable and eternally enduring commodities, ones we ultimately can’t live without.

Love, said Jesus, is the driving principle behind God’s greatest commands. We must love God first, with everything we’ve got. And we must love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40). It’s no surprise that these are God’s central values: the Bible tells us this over and over  “God is love”!

Faith, biblically defined, is trust in God and in the payment He made for our sins when Jesus died on the cross. The apostle Paul said, For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. — Ephesians 2:8

Grace is a blessing we have not earned — in this case the gift of salvation that Jesus purchased for us — but FAITH is the means of receiving that gift.

And HOPE is the sense of expectancy and optimism that God wants to instill in all of us who love Him and have faith in Him. It’s an overriding confidence He gives, reminding us that, even in the midst of our greatest problems, God is still with us — and He is greater than any challenge we might face. Hope is that inextinguishable light that God ignites in our hearts to keep us believing in the awesome power of His light even when we are surrounded by darkness.

It’s the unswerving belief that better days are ahead, probably in this world and most certainly in the next. It’s the quietness he hardwires into our spirit that clings to the seemingly impossible truth that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” and that, in the grand scheme of things, “we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” (Romans 8:28, Romans 8:37).

That, my son, is a great reason for our Hope, a truth that we need to let soak into our very being, because we live in a culture that seems bent on spreading a  relentless message of complete hopelessness.

I don't want to hear you use words like "I don't deserve" and I want you to quit apologizing for the past.  I know your future feels uncertain, and a sense of guilt from your past weighs you down. Problems never seem far away.

In this world you will have trouble, Jesus warned. But take heart! I have overcome the world. — John 16:33

Remember for a moment the despair you felt as you hung yourself in that jail cell!  Then also remember, except remember this for a decade, JESUS CHRIST'S presence with you that day.  God gave you GRACE in that moment!

Quit taking on the burden of "others" choices.  They are responsible for their decisions and their happiness and you my son are responsible for yours! You can't do the job GOD has called you to do until you understand and let go of the idea that it's up to you to make others happy!  You are destined to help others!  You are destined to reach into the lives of others and pull them out of their despair.

You are destined to spread the GRACE OF GOD!  Embrace it! Answer your calling and Quit letting others pull you back into the guilt.  GOD has forgiven you, so FIGHT those demons and those people who continue to weigh you done!  Get up and STEP OUT INTO FAITH, and make the difference you've been called to do!

You must, with God’s help, learn to cling to that rare and wonderful thing called HOPE. Otherwise, your destined again to feel despair.

Pause today and renew your hope in Him! Give Him your difficulties and battles again and rest in the promise that He is bigger than any of our earthly troubles. 

STEP OUT INTO FAITH AND DO IT TODAY!

Graduates

"The human mind plans the way, but the LORD directs the steps." proverbs 16:9

To my sweet Graduates, Congrats! 

At this special time in your life I am eager to show you how delighted I am that you have reached this milestone in your life. As Executive Director of the local for the Miss America Pageants, your committee, mentors, sponsors, and coaches, we rejoice with you and want you to know of our pride and excitement as you move from this accomplishment into the next phase of your life. We also want you to know that wherever you go and whatever you do, you are going forward with our prayers for God's continued guidance, power, protection, and strength. 

I have told you many times to be kind to others, and this is integral to living a good, fulfilling life. But the world will not always be kind back to you. Sometimes life will be easy, but other times it will lack justice and fairness. My single most important piece of advice is this: Believe everything happens for a reason.

No matter what happens, believe that if you persevere, you will benefit. It may not be in the way you anticipate or wish, but it will be. Refuse to believe anything happens to you without a purpose meant to make you wiser or stronger. Give no person or moment the power to strip you of the ability to see hope. Leave no room in your heart for ambivalence or animosity. See every experience, even the ones that make you scream or cry, as a chance to grow and change for the better. And remember, if everything happens for a reason, then you are on this Earth for a reason, too. Make it one people will speak well of long after you are gone.

Unplug for at least an hour a day. Make unplugging a daily habit for the rest of your life. You’ve mastered the art of technological multitasking. I just don’t want you to forget the dying art of "being". Remember your pre-teen years? Playing in the sandbox, swinging on the swings for undistracted hours at a time because the iPhone hadn’t even been invented yet? Don’t let technology rob you of the experience of actual living, of loving others, of noticing the world around you. Most important, don’t let it rob you of the opportunity to get well acquainted with YOU. There’s only one of YOU in the universe. Learn to know yourself and love yourself as you are, and it won’t ever matter how many “likes” you get on Facebook. Congratulations!

I love you all and can't wait for the next chapters in your lives! Always here for you, only a phone call away! God Bless you!

Junann Smith
Executive Director
Miss Tulare County Scholarship Fund
local preliminary to Miss California and Miss America

Mandi to Pageant

Today is the day you have been working so hard for. I want to tell you how much I love you mom and how proud I am of you. I know you love running this pageant, it shows on your face and through all your hard work and dedication. I worry about the stress levels and the late nights but to be honest I'd be more worried if you weren't up till 3am making programs and stressing, lol cause that's who you are and what keeps you going. You are truly an inspiration to so many and you are touching so many lives. These girls are all so lucky to have you for a glimpse of thier lives to experience your warm heart, genuine love and full support. I was lucky anf continue to be blessed to experience that every day. You are an amazing woman, mom and best friend. Tomorrow will be awesome and you can sit back and breathe. Your amazing and I love you mom!

To the girls, you have prepared yourselves and worked hard for months. Enjoy yourselves and have fun with this experience. You all are already winners and even without the final crown and sash you each have won so much. New friends, self confidence, public speaking, how to handle tough situations.... These will impact you much longer than a crown. I know from my pageant days, these are what have made me who I am today. My trophies and crowns are packed away but everyday I can be confident and strong and command a room if needed. Good luck to everyone. Please each hug my mom for she loves all of you and committed so much to this program! She is one of a kind.


Mandi